It was at those points, when I was lost in utter despair, I could share with very dear friends what I feeling; what I feared; what I was angry about and they were right there to comfort me. They were there to listen. They were there to help me see where I was wrong and where I was right. They were there to help me get back to who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing. They were there to help me see the best in me—all of that was the presence of God.
They didn’t judge me; they just listened, and offered loving honest feedback. I didn’t really want to hear all they said, but it was what I needed to hear. When it was just me and God talking, He also told me what I needed to hear—that he loved me, and would never leave me, and that I should never leave Him. For the most part of this month, I wasn’t praying, attending church, reading my Bible or meditating regularly. I wasn’t doing those things because I was mad at God.
I was angry because he took my Granny, any possibility of me having children, my car was taking it’s last dying breath and work was crazy. He took my friends’ mother and grandmother; he took other people’s family members. It seemed like every time I turned around someone was dying, people were in such great pain, something somewhere was going wrong, and it simply got to be too much for me. I felt like everything around me was dying, and it was hard for me to see the life that was around me.
It was hard for me to remember that God had given me another chance and life, and why he gave it to me. Then I remembered Job, and all he’d gone through, and his battle with God, and I began to laugh. I recalled that conversation between God and Job where Job questioned God as to why he had to endure all the pain and suffering he did when Job had been so faithful to God. I remembered God’s answer to Job, putting him in his place, and letting Job know without a doubt that God was sovreign, and as the creator of the universe, knew what was best, and didn’t need to answer to Job, nor did he need his help.
Then I began to laugh because I was in Job’s spot, and realizing that in the midst of all the anger and hurt and disappointment, God was the one in control, and just like with Job, God was the one who had never left me through it all, and didn’t bring me through it all to just leave me. With everything going on, only God could fix it all, I just had to be patient and hold on to that! Just like Job, my heart remembered that God loves me, and that no matter what is going on, will never leave me. Now, I could make the mistake of leaving God, but God will never leave, and has never left me.
Since that understanding has returned to me, I am back! I am back praying, listening to and obeying God. I am back to eating well, exercising and behaving like I belong to God! I am back to sharing the blessings and mercies God gives me everyday. I am back to living God’s will in God’s way. I am back to trusting God, knowing that just like Job, God will make my life a living testimony to all that God is, and I thank Him for the opportunity to be his witness!
To God be the glory!